Fairy Tale Police Department

Princess reported that her beloved – a frog, apparently – has gone missing. Last seen in Princess’s boudoir, where Princess refused to kiss him. Frog allegedly left voluntarily and hasn’t been seen since. Possible scenarios: frog depressed at stagnating relationship and did something rash; playing hard to get; kidnapped by republicans, or large bird. Starting point for search to be Royal swamp, as nearest natural habitat of missing frog.

Poisoned apple switched for normal one. Consequently, Snow White remains conscious and won’t be able to be revived from sleep by kiss from handsome Prince. Poisoned apple must be found and fed to Snow White immediately. For once, Evil Queen not a suspect because she wants ‘fairest of them all’ to become ‘most unconscious of them all’. Prime suspects: dwarves. Possible motive: to keep Snow White as their domestic servant.

Sleeping Beauty overdue to be awoken by kiss from handsome Prince. No sign of Prince – handsome or otherwise. Prince later found and, under interrogation, confesses to not kissing Sleeping Beauty because she was, quote: “ghastly” unquote, and that he’d rather kiss the ugly duckling. Handsome-but-shallow Prince claims he was shown picture of the allegedly homely Sleeping Beauty by an unidentified cloaked person. Sleeping Beauty’s Wicked Fairy Godmother would seem to be prime suspect – if Beauty not kissed, the sleeping spell lasts to eternity – but Evil Godmother reputed to have reformed. Note: Wanda is Beauty’s Good Fairy Godmother – may be able to authenticate picture

Little Pigs’ house of bricks mysteriously collapsed, putting third little pig in hospital. Foul play suspected. Neighbours report hearing heated arguments between the three pigs over building methods. Big Bad Wolf also seen in area, huffing and puffing in a public place without a licence. Culprit must be found and brick house rebuilt before the Wolf finishes blowing over the straw and stick houses and the pigs have nowhere to go.

King hired tailors to make ‘magical’ clothes – supposedly invisible to fools and incompetents. Background check reveals that alleged tailors, Hans and Rudy, are not genuine tailors at all and have extensive police records as confidence- tricksters, charlatans and scam artists. So far so good – fairy tale seems to be on track. However, King was reported missing this morning. Witnesses reported last seeing him in the company of Hans and Rudy, who allege King ‘gave them his kingdom’ in a legal document written on same invisible cloth from which magic clothes were made. Have been unable to obtain sample of magic cloth for forensic testing – too invisible. Must find King and ensure that parade proceeds on schedule with the King in his magical clothes.

Belt with buckle saying ‘Seven In One Blow’ stolen on eve of competition to win hand of King’s daughter. Belt is good luck charm of Little Tailor. Thief may be rival for Princess’s hand, trying to dishearten Little Tailor before big tournament. Little Tailor feels unable to compete without his ‘lucky’ belt to give him courage – also his trousers might fall down. Belt must be located ASAP or alternative means to get Little Tailor through the competition must be found.

Mother Duck’s sixth duckling reported missing. Considered by other animals on farms to have been “touched more than once with the ugly stick”, she may have experienced a degree of teasing and general name-calling prior to her disappearance. Betty, a.k.a. ‘Ugly’, Duckling was last seen heading in the direction of a dark and scary forest, known as ‘The Dark and Scary Forest’ – a known hideout of the notorious Vulture gang. Duckling must be returned to the farm by sundown for appointment with destiny

F.T.P.D. has one week to ensure that Beauty falls in love with Beast (duration of Beauty’s stay at Beast’s castle, as promised by her father in exchange for sparing his life after he was caught by the Beast picking a rose from Beast’s garden). However, intelligence reports allege that certain unattached young males will attempt to wilfully alienate affections of Beauty from the Beast, using charm, influence, and bribery. Detectives Legend, Andersen and Probationary Fairy Winkle to go undercover as household servants to oversee smooth running of fairy tale. Discretion and secrecy absolutely essential to avoid attracting attention of other kings, princes and unattached males seeking to try their luck with Beauty.

Poor Miller lied to King to marry off his daughter, Gwyneth. Consequently she now has 24 hours to spin a roomful of straw into gold. Victim, the troll Rumpelstiltskin, was expected to spin the straw to gold in exchange for Gwyneth’s first born, but has yet to appear in her room. Whereabouts unknown. Trail of clues thin. Suggested direction of investigation: questioning within the troll community

At midnight on night of Prince’s Ball, Cinderella fled down steps of castle and disappeared. Foul play suspected. Undercover agent, Claude, reported seeing a shadowy figure abduct Cinderella. A glass slipper left behind at the scene of the crime the only clue, so far. Have been unable to locate the other possible witnesses – the White Mice Footmen

Received report that Timmy the Tin Soldier suspected of being reluctant to become a hero – may need a push (out of window) to get started. Must not be allowed to back down – needs to impress Nina, the Pretty Ballerina, to achieve Happily Ever After ending. Investigations reveal Timmy has low self- esteem and inferior status among other tin soldiers. Nina interested but not yet in love. Note – beware of cat, mouse and bored children

Manager of all-animal band, The Barnyard Boys, reports band has gone missing on way to Bremen, where band is booked to play for large audience. Last eyewitness account has them travelling along the correct road. However, witnesses have reported tension between the band members and it is suspected that band may have split up. Last account places them near the swamp. Note: Take ample precaution when entering swamp as is known territory of Troll Robbers and witches.

The Royal Pea has been stolen from the Royal Vegetable Crisper. Pea is needed to test if any damsels who come seeking shelter in the Royal Castle are bona fide princesses suitable to marry the Prince. (True princesses could not sleep on 15 mattresses with Royal Pea underneath.) Pea needs to be found urgently – rainy season due to start, and palace will soon be awash with storm-drenched damsels. Interview Custodian of the Royal Pea, Lord Olaf, (who is also Prime Minister, Chancellor of the Exchequer, and First Lord of the Admiralty). NB – respect tradition in presence of Queen: She’s a bit touchy.

Wicked witch reported cart-hijacking of her building materials for her gingerbread cottage. Had to build shabby shack out of non-traditional materials – eg. wood – instead. Crime would seem to be linked to a string of sweet shop robberies. Witnesses have described perpetrator as a Princess with tiara, veil, expensive robes and a bushy tail. Culprit must be found and cottage rebuilt before Hansel and Gretel arrive at the scene.

The sorcerer’s apprentice, Pip, followed fairy tale by the book. Practised spell while sorcerer was away at conference. Caused mops and buckets to flood castle. However, sorcerer failed to return to the castle on schedule and apprentice’s spell has now flooded all of Fairy Tale Land. Find missing sorcerer and get him to undo spell immediately – before we all end up under water!

Rapunzel reported missing by Prince/boyfriend. Prince said he climbed Rapunzel’s hair to gain access to tower, only to find other end of hair tied to bed – and Rapunzel gone! Tower has no other exit or entrance. Blood found at scene. Could incident be related to sudden increase in baldness in Fairy Tale Land? Rapunzel hair sample retrieved from tower shows traces of hair regrowth serum! Prince beside himself with grief, but witch shows little concern at Rapunzel’s disappearance.

Fairy Tale started on track – Jack sold cow for magic beans. Giant bean stalk sprouted and Jacked climbed up on schedule…. but didn’t climb down again. Jack later located in giant’s castle, locked in a birdcage. Giant, named Giganthony, claims that Jack stole his singing harp and golden-egg-laying goose. Jack claims innocence. Missing items must be found so that Jack can steal them. Giganthony has put in questionable insurance claim for the value of the stolen goods.

Hamelin overrun by rats, Pied Piper arrived – as per fairy tale – but rats didn’t leave! Something wrong with either a) the rats, or b) the Pied Piper. Investigate rats and make sure their hearing is okay, and investigate Piper to make sure he can really toot his flute. A local musician reported, quote: “The cat is just blowing snakes, man.” Check to make sure town is not also overrun by cats and/or snakes.

Puss in Boots about to finish off fairy tale, when boots stolen by troll. This alleged boot-bandit has a long record of clothing theft around Fairy Tale Land. His MO involves changing appearance to resemble something harmless, then startling victim and demanding item of apparel. Should be fairly straight-forward case – ie. find troll’s hideout, bust him and return boots. However, Detective Legend seems to have lost his nerve and might need a bit of bucking up to get job done. (When busting troll, look for pair of grey serge long trousers belonging to Chief.)