Travel Sick

Ah, Iceland, chiselled blonde ice maidens with skin like milk and hair like flax. Just the place to start Travel Sick with Grub Smith, suave ambassador and international playboy. But perhaps the only cleavage he's likely to get is his own skull, with a ruddy great Viking axe through the top of his Noggin the Nog from enraged local vikings. The Missions, should he choose to accept them:1 Snog Miss Iceland, Miss Iceland for all her frosted beauty is sure to melt under Grub's blowtorch charm. What Nordic beauty could resist a tongue sandwich with England's finest? Sending the rest of the world the puffin faced Bjork has not fooled us. Ice queen totty abounds in this northern fiefdom and Grub will be playing tonsil tennis for England with the most gorgeous of all. Possibly. 2 Hold a Viking Funeral, Viking Funerals? No problem, we've all sat through Kirk Douglas waving his axe about. Pillaging sometimes goes awry and if you want a one way ticket to Valhalla you need to get toasted in a boat. All you need now is a

Will he emerge a victorious Morrocan gold, or be an embarrassed Moroccan Red? Grub's sense has obviously deserted him arf arf. If the only caravan you've seen is some grotty unit in Morecambe get yourself a big slice of North African adventuring. It's a great cultural event with Camels and Snakes and watermelon sex. For those about to Morroco, we salute you. The Missions, should he choose to accept them:1 Pull out a Tooth, Modern dentistry is a nonce's game. All those fancy fangled painkilling methods. What you need is a blanket with teeth on it to show you are the man, a pair of pliers and good technique. Can Grub do it? Or will his victim scream blue murder while he tries to rip a molar out. Dental demon or Tooth Fairy, let the dentistry commence. 2 Charm a Snake, Charm a snake Swaying about before a bloke with a recorder is top fun for serpents. But, should the selector make a bad tune decision yonder snake will sink it's fangs into said hapless piper. 3 Shag a Watermelon, The precious love felt betwixt a

Grub has taken the advice to go to Cambodia, missing the tiny factoid that Cambodia is a severed head Disney Land since Pol Pot failed to play nicely with his citizens.

The closest you've got to Turkey may be a lukewarm kebab, Grub gets a lot closer than he'd like.

Swanning around the globe larging it, and getting set up by your sadistic challenge setter. You call that a Korea? It's a dog eat dog world, or rather a Grub eat dog world in Korea. One of the places Grub won't be going back to as he got set upon by a Tae Kwon Do enthusiast suffering a sense of humour failure. But we've got all the suffering for you in glorious not me o vision. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Eat the most disgusting food in Korea,As Iggy Pop almost sang 'now I want to eat your dog'. On the menu is man's best friend. The Andrex puppy in a bap. Eating dogs on television? No, we'd never show that. 2 Play golf in a war zone,Welcome to Extreme Golf. Slap bang in the demilitarised zone, surrounded by razor wire and minefields there is the world's most dangerous golf course. North and South Korea get on like drunk pitbulls in a maternity ward, so the risk of a war being triggered by a bad shot is high. After risking death in Iceland with the rifle toting caddy Grub obviously has a

Grub gets packaged off to sunny Spain and as just another Brit in a sea of chip fat and Watney's red barrel he must be able to complete his challenges and perhaps serenade a senorita or two into the bargain. These are the challenges that'll have Grub dangling his castanets in the fire for us. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Have tea with a monkey, For those of you thinking that George Bush is Spanish, he ain't. We need a bona fide tea drinking monkey. Lucky for us monkeys love tea almost as much as they get off on dressing up in human clothes and generally horrifying animal rights activists. 2 Fight a bullfighter, How tricky can it be to get a pint sized feisty cow stabber to have a good old fashioned fight? Come on then, you in the nancy boy gold braid and knee socks. I'll ave you. I'm tasty. I spilled your pint. Your bird's a dog. Te Gusta la comida en hospital hombre? 3 Find a Costa del Criminal, In the land of sovereign rings and leathery women in tacky get up, a crim can be hard to spot.

Philippinos are quiet people, Catholics and mean knife fighters ruled by shoe fetishist dictators and living quietly unnoticed in Asia. Alas, Grub has descended to shatter their peace, grease their pigs and go on the piss with their dwarves before bombing the place to kingdom come. Get a dose of culture with tonight's Travel Sick. If you keep taking the penicillin the swelling will eventually go down. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Double your money, Without the aid of a colour photocopier it'll be tricky. Fear not, there are horses to bet on, snails to race, natives to scam for handfuls of coloured beads. Double your money? A night with this kind of high roller and he'll have accumulated enough to buy the country, or lost another offensive shirt off his back. 2 Catch a greased pig, Despite the risk of a nightmare flashback to the oiled wrestlers of Turkey, Grub is gonna get himself a piggy. Slippery porker verses an athlete raised on Lord of The Flies. You're bacon mate. Come on now, squeal

The chilled pace of life and irie vibe won't deter the Travel Sick team from dreaming up some killer challenges. Grub gets a curse put on him in a voodoo ritual.

A country that sees Mad Max as a great cultural moment, peopled with convicts and half wits. Grub should blend in seamlessly.

Ah, the Germans, the people we beat, sorry massacred at football. To prove there's no hard feelings we sent Grub to the land of the sausage munchers.

The spiritual home of Elvis resounds to the sounds of Grub being punched repeatedly in the head. The rattling of pills signals a touching barbiturate and saturated fat snuff moment. The duelling banjo's of heavily armed hillbillies resound from the backwoods. Not forgetting the debut performance of 'The Chainsaw Sex Vikings from Beyond Memphis'. Think The Sound of Music meets Leatherface and be very afraid. The five challenges for you boy: 1. Git your ass in a pick up with a gun rack and head on over to Skullbone. This lil town is famous for 'skullbone', that's bare-knuckle boxing with no blows allowed below the neck. See the rednecks form an orderly cue and smack Grub repeatedly in the skullbone til he falls over and weeps like a sissy. 2 Play Banjo with a Hillbilly, Canoeing into deliverance country and knocking on the doors of the heavily armed and dangerously insane, then asking for a duet on the banjo. Smart move. There's a high risk of being swiftly lashed to a tree and sodomised with your plastic child

The five challenges: 1, Win a hand of rodeo poker. 2, Shoot a Kennedy. 3, Eat the biggest steak in the world. 4, Shoot and eat a hog. 5, Get probed by aliens.

Rugby players, sheep and volcanoes that's New Zealand sorted. Grub will have to castrate large bovines, play with girls in hamster balls, and conquer his fear of heights.

Grub's here in Hollywood to kick sand in their faces, hang tough in the hood and crucially avoid ending up in the mortuary - even if it is the last show in this series!