Travel Sick

Ah, Iceland, chiselled blonde ice maidens with skin like milk and hair like flax. Just the place to start Travel Sick with Grub Smith, suave ambassador and international playboy. But perhaps the only cleavage he's likely to get is his own skull, with a ruddy great Viking axe through the top of his Noggin the Nog from enraged local vikings. The Missions, should he choose to accept them:1 Snog Miss Iceland, Miss Iceland for all her frosted beauty is sure to melt under Grub's blowtorch charm. What Nordic beauty could resist a tongue sandwich with England's finest? Sending the rest of the world the puffin faced Bjork has not fooled us. Ice queen totty abounds in this northern fiefdom and Grub will be playing tonsil tennis for England with the most gorgeous of all. Possibly. 2 Hold a Viking Funeral, Viking Funerals? No problem, we've all sat through Kirk Douglas waving his axe about. Pillaging sometimes goes awry and if you want a one way ticket to Valhalla you need to get toasted in a boat. All you need now is a

Will he emerge a victorious Morrocan gold, or be an embarrassed Moroccan Red? Grub's sense has obviously deserted him arf arf. If the only caravan you've seen is some grotty unit in Morecambe get yourself a big slice of North African adventuring. It's a great cultural event with Camels and Snakes and watermelon sex. For those about to Morroco, we salute you. The Missions, should he choose to accept them:1 Pull out a Tooth, Modern dentistry is a nonce's game. All those fancy fangled painkilling methods. What you need is a blanket with teeth on it to show you are the man, a pair of pliers and good technique. Can Grub do it? Or will his victim scream blue murder while he tries to rip a molar out. Dental demon or Tooth Fairy, let the dentistry commence. 2 Charm a Snake, Charm a snake Swaying about before a bloke with a recorder is top fun for serpents. But, should the selector make a bad tune decision yonder snake will sink it's fangs into said hapless piper. 3 Shag a Watermelon, The precious love felt betwixt a

'What you need my son is a holiday in Cambodia' warbled Jello Biafra, like a little song thrush impaled on a high speed vibrator. Grub has taken that advice, missing the tiny factoid that Cambodia is a severed head Disney Land since Pol Pot failed to play nicely with his citizens. Still, Cambodia is on the up and has less irritating students in it than Thailand, and that has to count for something. Not sure if our man will be able to swan through the temples in the same pouting fashion as Angelina Jolie, but I digress The Missions, should he choose to accept them:1 Beat Miss Cambodia in a shoot out, The number one tourist attraction is shooting cows with rocket launchers, and what a marvellous idea it is to. Just get the tethered bovine in the crosshairs and blow it into big lumpy chunks. Grub must be able to out shoot a pretty waif given the basic facts: If girls can't throw, what chance to they stand with an AK47? 2 Eat a Spider, We've all done it when we were kids. Seen an insect, popped it in and crunched

The closest you've got to Turkey may be a lukewarm kebab, Grub gets a lot closer than he'd like. This EP0is worth watching for the wrestling alone. No spandex in sight but some very butch lads covered in oil giving our man a little more attention than he wants. Rather you than me mate. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Sing 'wombling free' from a Minarette, Weighing up the risk of starting a Jihad and the pain of failing a challenge, Grub makes his decision. Should he remember he's a womble, or remember the wrath of Allah. 2 Beat an Oiled Wrestler, Sounds worth a go, until Grub gets forced against a wall and oiled by some rather macho turks and as for the rough scrotal soaping they give him to get it off, -far beyond the call of duty. But can he out wrestle the greased monkey men? Or is he about to enter a world of pain. 3 Sell your Goat for a profit, So first you've got to buy a goat, then you've got to flog it. If selling a goat was a lot like making love to a beautiful woman Grub would be OK

Swanning around the globe larging it, and getting set up by your sadistic challenge setter. You call that a Korea? It's a dog eat dog world, or rather a Grub eat dog world in Korea. One of the places Grub won't be going back to as he got set upon by a Tae Kwon Do enthusiast suffering a sense of humour failure. But we've got all the suffering for you in glorious not me o vision. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Eat the most disgusting food in Korea,As Iggy Pop almost sang 'now I want to eat your dog'. On the menu is man's best friend. The Andrex puppy in a bap. Eating dogs on television? No, we'd never show that. 2 Play golf in a war zone,Welcome to Extreme Golf. Slap bang in the demilitarised zone, surrounded by razor wire and minefields there is the world's most dangerous golf course. North and South Korea get on like drunk pitbulls in a maternity ward, so the risk of a war being triggered by a bad shot is high. After risking death in Iceland with the rifle toting caddy Grub obviously has a

Grub gets packaged off to sunny Spain and as just another Brit in a sea of chip fat and Watney's red barrel he must be able to complete his challenges and perhaps serenade a senorita or two into the bargain. These are the challenges that'll have Grub dangling his castanets in the fire for us. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Have tea with a monkey, For those of you thinking that George Bush is Spanish, he ain't. We need a bona fide tea drinking monkey. Lucky for us monkeys love tea almost as much as they get off on dressing up in human clothes and generally horrifying animal rights activists. 2 Fight a bullfighter, How tricky can it be to get a pint sized feisty cow stabber to have a good old fashioned fight? Come on then, you in the nancy boy gold braid and knee socks. I'll ave you. I'm tasty. I spilled your pint. Your bird's a dog. Te Gusta la comida en hospital hombre? 3 Find a Costa del Criminal, In the land of sovereign rings and leathery women in tacky get up, a crim can be hard to spot.

Philippinos are quiet people, Catholics and mean knife fighters ruled by shoe fetishist dictators and living quietly unnoticed in Asia. Alas, Grub has descended to shatter their peace, grease their pigs and go on the piss with their dwarves before bombing the place to kingdom come. Get a dose of culture with tonight's Travel Sick. If you keep taking the penicillin the swelling will eventually go down. The Missions, should he choose to accept them: 1 Double your money, Without the aid of a colour photocopier it'll be tricky. Fear not, there are horses to bet on, snails to race, natives to scam for handfuls of coloured beads. Double your money? A night with this kind of high roller and he'll have accumulated enough to buy the country, or lost another offensive shirt off his back. 2 Catch a greased pig, Despite the risk of a nightmare flashback to the oiled wrestlers of Turkey, Grub is gonna get himself a piggy. Slippery porker verses an athlete raised on Lord of The Flies. You're bacon mate. Come on now, squeal

The chilled pace of life and irie vibe won't deter the Travel Sick team from dreaming up some killer challenges. Grub gets to try out his patois in front of an unimpressed crowd of thousands, spears fish with rastas and gets a curse put on him in a voodoo ritual. Surely Jamaica must be a triumph of Smith over Spliff. The five laid back challenges are: 1 DJ at a Reggae Festival, Talk convincing patois in front of a crowd of thousands who are waiting for Snoop Doggy Dog. Simple. You won't look like a prat and face a wall of stony silence as you prattle on about the vibe, trembling like a virgin at a horses cock exhibition. 2 Get a Voodoo Curse, Flick through Yellow Pages, look under 'I feel like chicken tonight', meet up with a nutter in a backstreet with a brace of terrified poultry and let the mayhem commence. This is what KFC looks like on ketamine. 3 Survive an over from a Jamaican Fast Bowler, The bollocks are a tender beast, reacting badly to projectiles lobbed at eighty mph and bouncing off baked earth a

A country that sees Mad Max as a great cultural moment, peopled with convicts and half wits. Grub should blend in seamlessly. More fun than a dingo in a maternity ward. It's ripper mate. Many animals were harmed in the making of this programme. But as it's so funny we don't care. The five big bonza challenges mate: 1 Eat a Roadkill Sandwich at 40,000 feet, They've got proper Roadkill in Oz. With hedgehogs the size of small family cars and trucks carving through big meaty kangaroo critters for fun, the asphalt is like a big furry barbecue waiting to happen. Grub just has to find a corpse without too many maggots, cut it up and then munch it as he leaps out of a plane. Extreme lunching is here. 2 Beat a Champion Chopper, Going to a one billabong town and get your chopper out is not the wisest of moves in homophobic Oz. Luckily it's a national sport mate. Two blokes with filthy great axes slugging away at great chunks of wood, in a manly way. With Grub's physique and his experience of advanced beaver technique h

Ah, the Germans, the people we beat, sorry massacred at football. To prove there's no hard feelings we sent Grub to the land of the sausage munchers where real men wear leather shorts and slap each other in a manly fashion. The famous lack of humour may be a bit of a problem. But Grub can surely Blitzkreig through the challenges and beat the Bosch. The five very efficient challenges are: 1 Have a Sing Song with a Skinhead, Renowned for their spontaneous song, the skinhead is a misunderstood fellow. A shaven headed chanteuse will no doubt join Grub for a sing a long rather than nutting him in the boatrace and feeding him to his German Shepherds. 2 Read a peace poem in a Riot, A riot, in Germany? Surely they would riot in orderly lines with neatly printed placards. Well, Grub could probably get a slap from Mother Teresa, so organising a riot must be child's play. As for the peace poem, a dapper sort can always reel off some stanzas at the drop of a handkerchief. Of course the rock lobbing anarchists may not be

The spiritual home of Elvis resounds to the sounds of Grub being punched repeatedly in the head. The rattling of pills signals a touching barbiturates and saturated fat snuff moment. The duelling banjo's of heavily armed hillbillies resound from the backwoods. Not forgetting the debut performance of 'The Chainsaw Sex Vikings from Beyond Memphis'. Think The Sound of Music meets Leatherface and be very afraid. The five challenges for you boy: 1.Git your ass in a pick up with a gun rack and head on over to Skullbone. This lil town is famous for 'skullbone', that's bare knuckle boxing with no blows allowed below the neck. See the rednecks form an orderly cue and smack Grub repeatedly in the skullbone til he falls over and weeps like a sissy. 2 Play Banjo with a Hillbilly, Canoeing into deliverance country and knocking on the doors of the heavily armed and dangerously insane, then asking for a duet on the banjo. Smart move. There's a high risk of being swiftly lashed to a tree and sodomised with your plastic child

Unleashing Grub into a world of necrophilia, voodoo and Jazz with a side order of man-eating alligators. Luckily Bourbon street is packed with curvaceous beauties who will jiggle their naked bosoms at those who survive the perils of the swamp. The five gumbo flavoured challenges are:1 Arm wrestle an Alligator, Little stubby arms, should be no problem. The alligator's arms are even littler. The problem lies in the rest of the beast with it's big smiley mouth ready to chomp up the nearest TV presenter. 2 Kiss a Corpse, Canoodling with a cadaver, even after a few drinks is going to be tricky. Time to enlist the aid of world famous necrophiliac Leila Wendell and bust open some graves. Does Grub get a stiffy? Watch and learn. 3 Yomp out of the Swamp, So you're up to your neck in oozy black mud and swamp water there are man-eating alligators on the loose, poisonous snakes and no choice but to keep going. Grub suavely lights up a fag and takes the biggest risk of the series. 4 Regain your Virginity, Born again Chris

The five challenges: 1, Win a hand of rodeo poker. 2, Shoot a Kennedy. 3, Eat the biggest steak in the world. 4, Shoot and eat a hog. 5, Get probed by aliens.

Rugby players, sheep and volcanoes that's New Zealand sorted. For your viewing pleasure and edification we have the castration of large bovines, girls in hamster balls and Grub's squealing fear of heights. The five challenges: 1 Eat Bull's Testicles, Sit down at a restaurant and eat? Nope. First you have to cut them off a live bull, then you have to deal with great bloody plums and face the fact that one ball could feed a family for a month. Make sure your girlfriend isn't taking notes while you're looking away from the screen in scrotal sympathy. 2 Go Wet T-Shirt Zorbing, New Zealanders have nothing better to do than dream up new extreme sports. These fellers must have been watching their hamsters running around in those balls when the idea hit them. Why not make human sized ones and fling them down mountains? Enter Grub, one girl in a t-shirt and a few gallons of water for tumbly mayhem. 3 Boil an Egg in a Volcano, Get your eggs off the Emus while they bite friendly chunks out of your lardy arse. Go up a vo

The City of Angels is renowned for it's surgically perfect girls in bikinis, muscle beach, drive-by shootings and Hollywood stars. Grub's here to kick sand in their faces, hang tough in the hood and crucially avoid ending up in the mortuary - even if it is the last show in this series! The five challenges:1, Get rogered in Will Roger's park. 2, Attend an autopsy. 3, Prove that Yanks are thick. 4, Insult a celebrity. 5, Join an LA gang.